Catch That Lizard!

While I was sitting outside in the backyard watching my kids play, I spotted a lizard inside of a huge cardboard box we have. I said, "Look! It's a lizard!" and they came running.
I was unsure if Hope, my oldest, could catch it or not, but I knew she'd love to try. My 2- and 3-year olds gathered around the box as my 5-year-old began her hunt. It was trapped inside and couldn't climb out out, so Hope could miss him repeatedly and still have another chance to try. However, the box was just big enough that she couldn't reach all the way across it, which allowed the lizard to continue escaping her.
Eventually, she asked the question that I knew was coming.
"Mommy, will you catch it?"

I knew I could catch this little guy if I wanted to, so I told her I'd try. But, the more I tried to chase the critter down the more I realized I had absolutely no desire to touch the thing at all.
I wondered what on earth happened to me between childhood and motherhood that changed me from a lizard-catching, mud-digging, bug-holding little girl into a squeamish, squealing, chicken of a woman. I tried to suck it up, Mom up, and close my hand around it just to make my kids happy, but I couldn't make myself do it.

After several "tries" I told the kids the they'd have to catch it themselves.

Hope continued to chase it, and as I watched her determination I pondered my lack of it. I wanted to catch it for them, didn't I? Well, deep down I obviously didn't. I'd see exactly what I needed to do to catch it, I'd decide a course of action, then I'd go for it...but the moment I'd have my hand over it, I'd flinch and pull my hand back while I got the heeby-jeebies.

I wondered about my recent prayers. I've been asking God for answers and closure to some very deep struggles of mine. I've been wondering why He will not show me. I realized, laughing, that the answer God has for my struggles is a lizard.

Um... Well, okay, it's LIKE a lizard.

Apparently, I don't really want God's answer. I have a specific answer I am looking for and a path I've already decided I'd like to follow. I ask God all the time to help me, but what I mean is that I want Him to help me succeed in doing things MY way, not His. God has showed me the path he intends me to walk- a path through the valley, not around it.

I have been looking for a butterfly and praying, "Lord, I am seeking Your will!"
And then... Behold, a lizard.
"Father, that's not exactly what I want to strive toward and chase after..."

It occurred to me that I have a choice. I can either open my heart and trust that God knows best and follow Him, or I can harden my heart and stomp my feet and keep trying to chase after whatever I think will make life go MY way. When I realized God may never answer my question of "Why?" and that healing may not happen the way I have hoped, disappointment and fear flooded my heart. 
Then again, I know how miserable I'd end up if I hardened my heart to God. Past experience has showed me how miserable it is to try to shut Him out. I also wondered how many people I would hurt if I didn't open my heart to God and trust Him, but instead allowed myself to become bitter.
Bitterness and hardening of heart produce bitter, hard people. I don't want that kind of Mommy for my four little bug-chasing, mud-digging, lizard-chasers.

I decided that I am going to trust what I do know about who Jesus Christ is more than I am going to worry about what I don't know about my past or my future. 

If we will seek God through our disappointments, we will learn that He knows and loves His children. He knows us better than we knows ourselves. He knows that the only fulfillment there is to our deepest heart's cry is for us to chase after HIM. He loves us too much to allow us to continue searching for answers and chasing after things that aren't from Him. If He didn't stop us, we'd end up chasing things that would destroy us and break our fellowship with Him.

God has called us to do something, equipped us to do it, and put it in front of us in plain sight- but what if we still just aren't sure about it? What is stopping us from forsaking the things we want to strive after, and following His plan for our lives?

I think the answer comes down to faith and trust in who we know Him to be.
Do we believe that Jesus is who He said He is?
Do we believe all things work together for our good if we love Him?
Do we believe He loves us?
Do we believe that if we lay our will down to die, and take up our cross and follow Jesus, that He will walk beside us and lead us to a better place than we would've ended up on our own?

His ways are above our ways, and He loves us with perfect love. All things work together for the good of those who love God. He will meet our true needs and provide for us, and He will fulfill the deepest longing of our hearts. The only problem is this-
Do we truly believe Him?

We have to be "ALL IN" with Jesus. You either believe Him, or you don't. You either follow Him, or you don't. 
If you don't put into practice what you say you believe then deep down, you don't really believe it.  
I might have said I wanted to catch that lizard but deep down, I really didn't.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, Hope finally caught the lizard. She carried the poor thing around by the tail until Eden (my 3-year-old) finally convinced her for a turn to hold it.
She could hardly get hold of him before she squealed and let him go... 

(Isaiah 55:8, Romans 8:28, 1 John 4:18, Luke 9:23, Luke 17:33)